This blog is for my good friend who we'll call "Jill". I consider Jill a close and dear friend. Jill, however, is unlucky when it comes to matters of the heart. There is nothing "wrong" with her. She is beautiful, intelligent, sweet and thoughtful. She is a person that would pamper a man and let him know that he is "king of the castle". So what's the problem? She often asks me why she has no luck with men. Don't get me wrong, she can get a date. In fact, there are a handful of guys out there pursuing her but she's simply not interested in those guys.
You see, I think one of the problems is that she tends to be attracted to guys who are unavailable; either emotionally (commitment-phobic) or physically unavailable (living somewhere other than Vancouver). The question is why? Let me get back to this point in a few paragraphs.
So, Jill has a new "man dilemma". She met a fellow about a month ago who is eight years young than her. She says that they have a lot of sexual chemistry and have fun when they spend time together. On her most recent birthday, the two of them exchanged a few steamy kisses and she thought that this would be the beginning of their dating future. Well, she was wrong. He, we'll call him "Jack", has a few hang ups and one major one is that he will not date his friend's relative. In this case, Jill is a cousin of one Jack's friends and he has told her that it is against his good judgment to date a friend's cousin. He simply will not pursue her because of that. Of course, Jill thinks this is just plain stupid.
Jill has since put herself out there and let Jack know that she wants to pursue something more than just a friendship. Jack is only interested in a platonic friendship.
Jill tells me that at this point in her life (she's in her early 30's), she has enough friends and doesn't really need more friends. She questions why should she pursue a friendship with him. I think this is a very interesting question.
First thing's first, friendships are by choice and never imposed. Friendships are about having a healthy balance between give and take. Actually that's the case for any relationship you have, whether a friendship, a best friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife. Balance is essential for happiness. In your life people will come and go. Whatever relationships you have, it is important from time to time to ask yourself the following questions and to answer them honestly:
1) Ever since she/he came into my life, how has my life improved?
2) Am I a better person now than before?
3) How about my outlook on life? Has it been affected?
4) What habits have rubbed off on to me? Are they good? Bad? Have I started partying too much? Do I spend more? Have I acquired bad habits, etc?
5) What have I learned in this relationship? Anything new? Anything valuable?
6) What have I contributed to his/her life? What does he/she value about my friendship?
7) Is this relationship a "two-way" street?
Ok, so these questions are fairly intense. I know. But I think friendships are valuable and shouldn't be taken for granted. Personally, I think boyfriends/girlfriends can come and go but real friendships last a lifetime. True friends are the ones that are there for you when you feel your world is crashing down on you and they give you the support you need to get through it. No matter what happens, real friends are the ones you can count on. Everyone else is just an acquaintance or a jackass.
So after I ask Jill the questions you have just read, she decides to cut him loose. She does not see any value in pursuing a friendship.
Honestly, Jill if you are reading this... listen up, I think the real reason you don't want to pursue a friendship with him not because of the questions above but because you want to be more than "just friends". He rejected that idea and your ego is bruised. Frankly, I think if you two were dating, you'd eventually get bored of him anyway. With him, it's just the thrill of the chase. The fact is that he is mentally and emotionally too young for you. If you are honest with yourself, you want a something that will grow into a long-term relationship. And honey, this is not it.
So now, back to my initial question, why is Jill attracted to guys that are unavailable? It's the chase. There is no end game with these guys. She can't get bored of a guy she can't really get to know on a deeper level because he's simply not there. The "chase" is kept alive and well because you'll never catch him.
So my question for Jill is: Do you think you can get beyond the thrill of the chase?
If you answered yes, then maybe you should consider dating one of the guys pursuing you. If not then, "happy hunting".
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